A non-NASCAR driver on a poster? I must be in a foreign country… oh wait I was.

I assumed this reads “Hey Ferrari kick out that bum Massa and sign this guy!” Which as of this morning apparently only McLaren could read.

It must be nice to live in a country where people actually like F1. The downside was since I was working during the race I was recoding it at home, but had to avoid looking at any TV in the hotel lobby we meet up in that morning since it was playing everywhere. I also had to avoid looking at the huge TV in the bar we went to that night since they where showing the replay there. In the U.S. recording and not seeing the results of a race are as simple as not demanding someone change the channel to the race, and avoiding F1 sites for a day or two.

Still avoiding the race in Mexico was not as bad as that one last year in Bangkok that was halfway done when we walked in, and playing on dozens of sets all behind the girls at the go-go club. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not look up from your table for an hour at a go-go club in bangkok?! The one girl without a TV behind her must have thought I was really in to her, when in fact she was just the default.

This is why you can’t have nice things in Baltimore

To the fuckwad who hit my car and kept going an hour after I left for Mexico, I hope you die a slow long painful as fuck death from syphilis, not the short hail of gunfire I’m sure it will be since the car you where driving was stolen. Your only mistake was doing this before 10am so it was just before that lady who sits on her stoop a few doors down pills kick in for the day and she could still remember a 6 digit license plate number. To your credit though you did this in baltimore so the cops will never give a fuck to find you after you ditch the car.

The DF. Or how I learned to love the smog.

This is an excerpt from a much longer letter from two years ago that doesn’t get to go public yet. But this has all the  car stuff.

Where do VW Beatles go when they die? Not the plastic front engine atrocities that have all the soul of a marketing department. But the great old air cooled little beast that didn’t need a sunflower holder to market them to women and gay men, since they actually had real street cred. What’s their heaven like? I far as I can tell, its Mexico City. They’re everywhere you look. This is not a city to play punch buggy in. Two or three at a light, every light, and they didn’t survive for no reason. Not only did VW decide to give South America a gift by continuing to manufacture them well into the 2000’s here, but driving anything bigger in Mexico City is trouble.

Over 9 million people are crammed into this sprawling urban mess, and the traffic is either stopped for miles in all directions, or moving in a chaotic unregulated flow that’s an art to navigate. Cars pass within inches of each other at any speed. Roads have room for four lanes, yet none are marked. Busses travel the wrong way in traffic. Or is traffic moving the wrong way at the busses? Entire four person families fly by on scooters, squeezing between cars, no helmets, holding groceries and smiling as if the danger doesn’t even exist. Inadequate and worn down brakes scream at all times from all directions. I now understand why the Mexican kids back home “Pep Boys” out their cars. Why bother actually putting real chrome, or a real exhaust on your Honda if a runaway ford fiesta is just going to rip it all off at anytime. This is not a place for a car you care about. Did I mention there are a lot of VW Beatles here?

Black smoke pours out of tail pipes. You can actually see it rise from the street. There is no point trying to avoid it. It rises up and becomes one with the smog filled sky. After a round trip across town windows up or not, you will smell like you just rode a motorcycle across country. The exhaust smell mixes with street food to give you a strange smell of spicy delicious diesel. Outside of the Zocalo the streets are littered with trash as if every home and place of business collectively walked out and dumped a can of it right in front of the dwelling. It piles up, spreads out, and blows by like plastic crumpled tumbleweeds. Occasionally between Beatles you’ll see a person pass by with a straw broom and a 50-gallon drum, the mutli-tool of containers, welded onto a bike. Sometimes even two or three official sanitation workers will pass on a more modern version of this mobile trashcan. I’ve even seen them sweeping, but it’s a battle they are severely losing. Mexico City is the street sweepers Dunkirk.

The only thing more plentiful than the trash is people. They walk, run, or stroll by. But mostly they seem to stand around. They hang out in front of the thousands of shops that line every street, no matter how rich or poor. The street scene here is one of small storefronts and eateries. Small openings that lead into long trailer like shops selling all kinds of junk in all kinds of neighborhoods. It’s like driving down the boardwalk at Ocean City MD, for miles. The entire economy of Mexico City as far as I can tell consists of selling trinkets to each other. The only thing that changes is the junk. Near the Zocalo it’s jewelry, hats, suits. The next ring is cell phones, electronics, bootleg DVD’s and software. Stores advertise that they sell bootlegs. Guys stand on the street wearing cards that have listed all the pirated software they have, while the “policia” stand right in front of them, either not caring, or about to pounce. Apparently it can be either. Further out it becomes T-shirts, toys, and general cheap crap. The kind of stuff you see at flea markets. In some cases once you enter the “small” storefront it opens up into a collective flee market, a maze hidden from the street by stands selling even more junk. Even further out the crap becomes even cheaper, until it’s latterly just junk. Piles of it are set up in little booths or stores intermixed with auto shops of every specialty. Welding, grinding, more welding right there for VW Bugs to watch as they either pass by, or sit in traffic.

The only constants in the stores are the food vendors, and medium sized parties. The food is self-explanatory everyone need to eat. And come to think of it, so are the parties. On every block some store or business blasts out either music, or some Shanghi Sally messages through bullhorns. Depending on the neighborhood, the musical ones seem to attract large groups that turn these audio adverts into a sidewalk party that many times spills out into those already dangerous streets.

If Mexico City’s population is really 9 million people, at least half a million to a million are policia. I have never seen this many cops before. They line the streets, even in the Zocalo. Hell, in the Zocalo they literally line the streets one every few feet. They stand in groups at intersections, in front of stores, on top of buildings, and anywhere else you can think of. As far as I can tell though, they don’t seem to care about much. Or perhaps not that much is against the law here. Jay walking, speeding, blocking traffic, bootlegging (sometimes), all seem to be fine. It’s as if they are waiting for a branch of criminal that has yet to arrive. Or a war that has yet to come. Or did it already happen? There are Policia stations with cops on the roof and razor wire that look like they have been shelled, but no shelling has happened here in 80 years. It’s as if they are just official bystanders, watching the decay of a modern city. Reporting to the government on the decays progress. Or is it the birth of a modern city, from an old they are witnessing? Hard to say at this point. Further investigation is warranted.

Is that a spoiler or are you just happy to see me?

This weeks reader submission was brought to you by the lovely Katie, who found this brightly colored drag producing automotive clitoris. Is this supposed to be a fucking spoiler, or an air brake? Somehow I feel dirty staring at it. Like it’s part of the car that should be covered by pants. I hope the owners doesn’t think that driving around with a bunch of sunflowers on their dash is going to distract people from seeing this perversion.

What are you glaring at, yes I’m staring at your daughter.

What are you glaring at, yes I’m staring at your daughter. This surprises you? Maybe if you stopped looking at me and looked to your right you’d see the problem here. Seriously don’t blame me, you’re the one who let her leave the house wearing that. It’s just a loose bit of fabric somewhat covering her nipples and a denim based bikini bottom thingy that kinda keeps part of her ass in (jeankini?). So your going to stand there and tell me that when y’all where leaving the house, she walked down the stairs wearing that and you thought  “oh you look pretty dear, just like a little angel, lets go out in public”? Now look you can continue to glare at me all you want, but it’s not my fault there is a natural selection based awkwardness of sexual attraction that makes guys my age desire to be face down in girls your daughters’ age while living in a culture that says that’s only cool if she’s a stripper and I’m rich or have coke.

Perhaps you should look at that girl walking on the other side of the street, I actually have to work to get an image of her naked in my head. See how all of her important bits are covered, that leaves question marks about specific sizes, and shapes that I then have to fill in with my own mind. She could have those little dimple things on her lower back? She may have tattoos, large areolas, freckles or huge nipples? I don’t know, and that’s the point, sometimes it just becomes too much effort to figure out. All of that mental undressing takes a bit of time and effort on my part and as such I’m just not going to do it. Your daughter on the other hand, left none of that for me to do. It’s like her naked body just jumped up right into my imagination against my will ass up and tits flap’n took over and started grinding. That’s not my fault, it’s yours.

If it’s any consolation you won’t have to worry about these kinds of awkward arousal based social interactions at traffic lights happening for too much longer. She has that trying too hard look about her, since she also has that body is going to go all to hell in five years look about her too. Trust me, after her first pregnancy, which will probably happen any day now, that thing is going all to shit. You can see it now, baby fat is only cute when they’re young, in five years it’ll just be regular old fat. I know it, you know it, and she knows it. Hell that’s why she’s dressing like this in the first place. She need to land a guy now while she can. I’m sure her plan is to find one who has the possibility of being able to work, get him locked in as a baby daddy as soon as possible and hope it all works out in the end. It won’t though. Even if she decides to pick one that isn’t a total shithead looser just to piss you off she’ll still end up lying around the house doing nothing all day but getting fatter. All the while her four year old runs around out of control and learning how to dress like a whore just like her mommy did, and I’m betting you did before that. Ahh the cycle of whores.

I can see you getting angrier at me, but the light will change soon and you’re the one who looks more like a pimp than a mother standing there. Now look, I’m not demanding she wear a burka. Hell I’m not even saying she shouldn’t show it a bit, or even a lot. But that’s slightly less than beach attire and I’m not in “beach mode”. You know beach mode, where you see so much skin that after 5 minutes of whirling your head around you’re just too exhausted and desensitized to it and don’t give a fuck anymore. See I’m not at a beach and I’m not desensitized to it. I’m at a stoplight in Baltimore, so I have fuck all to look at other than your clothing deficient daughter and that fat fucking guy in a wife beater over there, that other fat guy in a wife beater over there, and that really skinny guy in a wife beater. Actions have consequences, and her wardrobe actions have the consequence of me staring at her.

So mom, you can stop glaring and calling me a a dirty old man in your head… that sentence is redundant anyway and this light just turned green, so good luck with all of that I’m sure the next time I see you, you’ll be a grandparent.