Spotted parked just off the Champs-Elysees of course. There also was a place you could rent a lambo for an hour. Because yea, nothing could go wrong with letting me drive a rented lambo!
All posts by The Captain
You’re doing it wrong
Reader submission from JB.
Oh for fucks sake. First off that belongs on a 911 not a beetle. Trust me your never going to get that pice of shit going fast enough to need it. Second your Whale Tail is supposed to help with the downforce of your car, not rip the fucking bonnet off of it.
Did you save gas by doing that asshole?
Just because your hybrid gets you in the car pool lane doesn’t mean it gets you two spots in the lot asshole. But by the look of your parking, and type of car I bet you’re a “hybrid” too, part smug asshole part douche bag.
A non-NASCAR driver on a poster? I must be in a foreign country… oh wait I was.
I assumed this reads “Hey Ferrari kick out that bum Massa and sign this guy!” Which as of this morning apparently only McLaren could read.
It must be nice to live in a country where people actually like F1. The downside was since I was working during the race I was recoding it at home, but had to avoid looking at any TV in the hotel lobby we meet up in that morning since it was playing everywhere. I also had to avoid looking at the huge TV in the bar we went to that night since they where showing the replay there. In the U.S. recording and not seeing the results of a race are as simple as not demanding someone change the channel to the race, and avoiding F1 sites for a day or two.
Still avoiding the race in Mexico was not as bad as that one last year in Bangkok that was halfway done when we walked in, and playing on dozens of sets all behind the girls at the go-go club. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not look up from your table for an hour at a go-go club in bangkok?! The one girl without a TV behind her must have thought I was really in to her, when in fact she was just the default.
This is why you can’t have nice things in Baltimore
To the fuckwad who hit my car and kept going an hour after I left for Mexico, I hope you die a slow long painful as fuck death from syphilis, not the short hail of gunfire I’m sure it will be since the car you where driving was stolen. Your only mistake was doing this before 10am so it was just before that lady who sits on her stoop a few doors down pills kick in for the day and she could still remember a 6 digit license plate number. To your credit though you did this in baltimore so the cops will never give a fuck to find you after you ditch the car.
The DF. Or how I learned to love the smog.
This is an excerpt from a much longer letter from two years ago that doesn’t get to go public yet. But this has all the car stuff.
Where do VW Beatles go when they die? Not the plastic front engine atrocities that have all the soul of a marketing department. But the great old air cooled little beast that didn’t need a sunflower holder to market them to women and gay men, since they actually had real street cred. What’s their heaven like? I far as I can tell, its Mexico City. They’re everywhere you look. This is not a city to play punch buggy in. Two or three at a light, every light, and they didn’t survive for no reason. Not only did VW decide to give South America a gift by continuing to manufacture them well into the 2000’s here, but driving anything bigger in Mexico City is trouble.
Over 9 million people are crammed into this sprawling urban mess, and the traffic is either stopped for miles in all directions, or moving in a chaotic unregulated flow that’s an art to navigate. Cars pass within inches of each other at any speed. Roads have room for four lanes, yet none are marked. Busses travel the wrong way in traffic. Or is traffic moving the wrong way at the busses? Entire four person families fly by on scooters, squeezing between cars, no helmets, holding groceries and smiling as if the danger doesn’t even exist. Inadequate and worn down brakes scream at all times from all directions. I now understand why the Mexican kids back home “Pep Boys” out their cars. Why bother actually putting real chrome, or a real exhaust on your Honda if a runaway ford fiesta is just going to rip it all off at anytime. This is not a place for a car you care about. Did I mention there are a lot of VW Beatles here?
Black smoke pours out of tail pipes. You can actually see it rise from the street. There is no point trying to avoid it. It rises up and becomes one with the smog filled sky. After a round trip across town windows up or not, you will smell like you just rode a motorcycle across country. The exhaust smell mixes with street food to give you a strange smell of spicy delicious diesel. Outside of the Zocalo the streets are littered with trash as if every home and place of business collectively walked out and dumped a can of it right in front of the dwelling. It piles up, spreads out, and blows by like plastic crumpled tumbleweeds. Occasionally between Beatles you’ll see a person pass by with a straw broom and a 50-gallon drum, the mutli-tool of containers, welded onto a bike. Sometimes even two or three official sanitation workers will pass on a more modern version of this mobile trashcan. I’ve even seen them sweeping, but it’s a battle they are severely losing. Mexico City is the street sweepers Dunkirk.
The only thing more plentiful than the trash is people. They walk, run, or stroll by. But mostly they seem to stand around. They hang out in front of the thousands of shops that line every street, no matter how rich or poor. The street scene here is one of small storefronts and eateries. Small openings that lead into long trailer like shops selling all kinds of junk in all kinds of neighborhoods. It’s like driving down the boardwalk at Ocean City MD, for miles. The entire economy of Mexico City as far as I can tell consists of selling trinkets to each other. The only thing that changes is the junk. Near the Zocalo it’s jewelry, hats, suits. The next ring is cell phones, electronics, bootleg DVD’s and software. Stores advertise that they sell bootlegs. Guys stand on the street wearing cards that have listed all the pirated software they have, while the “policia” stand right in front of them, either not caring, or about to pounce. Apparently it can be either. Further out it becomes T-shirts, toys, and general cheap crap. The kind of stuff you see at flea markets. In some cases once you enter the “small” storefront it opens up into a collective flee market, a maze hidden from the street by stands selling even more junk. Even further out the crap becomes even cheaper, until it’s latterly just junk. Piles of it are set up in little booths or stores intermixed with auto shops of every specialty. Welding, grinding, more welding right there for VW Bugs to watch as they either pass by, or sit in traffic.
The only constants in the stores are the food vendors, and medium sized parties. The food is self-explanatory everyone need to eat. And come to think of it, so are the parties. On every block some store or business blasts out either music, or some Shanghi Sally messages through bullhorns. Depending on the neighborhood, the musical ones seem to attract large groups that turn these audio adverts into a sidewalk party that many times spills out into those already dangerous streets.
If Mexico City’s population is really 9 million people, at least half a million to a million are policia. I have never seen this many cops before. They line the streets, even in the Zocalo. Hell, in the Zocalo they literally line the streets one every few feet. They stand in groups at intersections, in front of stores, on top of buildings, and anywhere else you can think of. As far as I can tell though, they don’t seem to care about much. Or perhaps not that much is against the law here. Jay walking, speeding, blocking traffic, bootlegging (sometimes), all seem to be fine. It’s as if they are waiting for a branch of criminal that has yet to arrive. Or a war that has yet to come. Or did it already happen? There are Policia stations with cops on the roof and razor wire that look like they have been shelled, but no shelling has happened here in 80 years. It’s as if they are just official bystanders, watching the decay of a modern city. Reporting to the government on the decays progress. Or is it the birth of a modern city, from an old they are witnessing? Hard to say at this point. Further investigation is warranted.
That couldn’t have been a dealer option
Guest submission of the week. Thank’s to Craig for finding this thing. I want to thank the owner for making sure giant kids don’t loose their fingers by sticking them into the imaginary fan blades that are behind that shit.
He swears he’s still working on it.
Not the worst one I’ve seen around here. But that’s only because we’re in Baltimore. Although I do get the distinct feeling that this is the most finished your car will ever be. So I don’t think for one second it will ever all be the same color or those side panels and bumper will ever actually fit correctly.
Is that a spoiler or are you just happy to see me?
This weeks reader submission was brought to you by the lovely Katie, who found this brightly colored drag producing automotive clitoris. Is this supposed to be a fucking spoiler, or an air brake? Somehow I feel dirty staring at it. Like it’s part of the car that should be covered by pants. I hope the owners doesn’t think that driving around with a bunch of sunflowers on their dash is going to distract people from seeing this perversion.
At least it distracts from the Bondo
Why? Just fucking why?
I guarantee you that car will handle better without that…that… ridiculous looking thing on it. And now I fucking have to apologize to the Civic below in the last post since you managed to make their awful spoiler look subtle and classy.