Dante never foresaw this.

Hey Maryland, why the hell can you not build another DMV? Will it break the State budget? By the looks of this place I can’t see how unless you suddenly become West Virginia.

Why are the numbers your calling going backward now? And what the hell happened to Mr. G117? And you, guy next to me, stop reading over my shoulder will yea.  What the fuck happened to G122? Do you really mean there are 63 more people in front of me? Why are there no hot chicks here? What, hot chicks don’t drive? Their license never expire? I call bullshit. Statistically any group of people this big should have at least four fuckable chicks and one hottie. Perhaps everyone is just getting uglier. They certainly are getting fatter it seems. Look at that one over there, belly hanging out, chewing gum like cud.

Lady will you please for the love of god shake your baby! It will stop screaming so damn loudly if you do and I promise everyone here would applaud you for it.

Look I can only sit here dressed like a clown for so long, at least take the damn photo so I can take some of this shit off. You’re making it way too hard to get a ridiculous ID photo. What? Fine lady you can plug your damn iphone into this computer to charge it for a minute. But don’t tell anyone else, I’m not fucking PEPCO. Actually if I was PEPCO I’d unplug it, run it dry then charge you for the service.

3.5 hours latter I finally have a license. I really liked the part where you charged me an extra $45 to type an “M” on the damn thing. And it turns out Maryland takes the photo from the neck up so I wore this ridiculous shirt and tie all day for nothing. Fuck you Maryland…fuck you.

The Wings of Freedom

The spoiler that started it all. Found in local parking lot. I’d give more details of where but this looks like the kind of fellow that would see this on the internet then wait for me outside to hit me in the head with a brick.



Just because my top is down does not mean I want to talk to you

Just because my top is down does not mean I want to talk to you. So move away from my car. No just stop where you are. Just get the fuck away from me. Look I don’t care how hungry you are I don’t have any money. Oh, you’re trying to get new football uniforms, I still have no money. Fuck off! What are you looking at? Stop looking in here. Can’t you hear me turning up the radio? I’ll roll up the window at you. See how I’m looking at you speak, while turning the knob on the stereo, that means fuck off.

Now as everyone who lives in any non-bumfuck place in America will know, roadside homeless at an intersection are as common as..well, our homeless. Most just stand quietly holding signs asking for money, or pace up and down the medium. But what the rest of you don’t have to deal with is the inevitable conversation they all want to have when a convertible pulls up. And understandably. I’d imagine homeless conversations would get pretty boring after a while “So Ted what did you eat today?” “Nothing Bill, you?” “Nope, wanna smoke some crack?” Hell I think my conversations with people I know get boring and we own shit to talk about.

Last week I was first car at the light, and he was standing right there so I could see it coming. While everyone else just got a quiet walk by their closed windows with the sign I got the “hey, got any change you can spare?”. Now being a professional unemployed person myself, no I have no change to spare. And told him so. But it never ends there, oh it never ends there. “Do you gamble?” What? This was a new one. “I used to but not anymore” (lie!).” “oh that good” he said. And then moved on to the next car. Hold up! Where the fuck was that going? This was the first damn conversation I’ve had with a homeless that I wanted to find out more in years and he just moves on. Did he loose all his money gambling? Was he trying to get to Pimlico? Did he want to make a bet? Come back… dick. At least put that on the sign.

And while I’m on about the signs, I have to ask why the hell do they all end their sign with “god bless”? I mean look at yourself, your god obviously fucking hates you. And your still giving props? That’s not noble and Job was a sucker. Now I get it, it’s a marketing thing. While I’m sure most of them do believe that crap, it’s still plays on the guilt of the religious for some cash. Hell if I was begging for money on the side of the road I’d do it too. Fuck, I’d more than do it, my sign would read “Child victim of molesting priest, now homeless. Help out or jesus will cry”.

Now occasionally I do have a pleasant exchange with people out of the car. Doggies love to run up and say hi, and for some reason I get a lot of “nice car” comments (this will be explored in a future drunken rant). Hell even though I don’t know any of the street names (so good luck) I don’t mind trying to give you directions. It’s just that 4 out of 5 times the person asks for directions just as the light turns green. So I’m either the asshole who drives off without helping you, or I’m the asshole who holds up the hole damn intersection to chat to the guy with Pennsylvania tags.

So for the most part when someone starts speaking to me it’s going to suck, so please don’t do it. Look, I didn’t get a convertible to meet people. I got a convertible because I like the wind in my face, I like to feel like I’m actually outside when I go outside, and to annoy others with my music. I not driving to make friends you know.